Tim Turner

It’s been a while since I’ve even thought about writing anything. These last few months have left me drained and uninspired. Work has been stressful, and worrying about things that cannot be change seem to use up a lot of your energy.  Life piles on high and doesn’t let up at all. Finally you come to a point where you can no longer stand. In the end you either fall on your knees, or flat on your face.

Every minute I’m alive it becomes more and more apparent how little I control, and how big God is. The more statistics, graphs, and charts that I learn just seem to leave me realizing I’m just not strong enough handle it all. We try so hard to “grab life by the horns”, but it turns out those horns are sharp and have a tendency to run us through. It leaves us broken, exhausted, and bitter. That is how I could sum up the previous 8 months from the time of my last post…

But then there is hope.

Somewhere in the back of my mind God keeps screaming at me telling me to stop trying so hard and let Him do the things that I already know He can do better than I can. Somewhere along the way I started to decide that might not be such a bad idea, and so I started to let go just a little bit. I had to start letting go of what I wanted to happen and when I wanted it to happen, and come to a place where I could just let go.

Sunday was our kickoff service at our new building. I can’t even explain how excited I was to finally see it happen. To see a little bit of our dreams solidify is a wonderful thing. During the sermon Ovie used an example. It’s a very simple concept: If you build a cage with a hole large enough for a monkey to slip its hand into to grab whatever object you have placed inside. You will find that the monkey will not let go of what it has grabbed, despite that making it impossible for the monkey to get its hand back out and get away.  As a result the monkey is then taken into captivity. This example has been told many of time, and under different applications. For me personally, however, I find that despite knowing and understanding this concept… I still do it. I don’t want to let go of knowing. I want to know whats going to happen. I want to have control, because control equals comfort. A lot of the time its not ok for me to unable to predict the next thing. You see I value knowledge, and I value the mind that God has given me. It appears that I often have a tendency to mistake knowledge for wisdom. When that happens I find myself trying to snatch control from God. Despite my unruliness God continues to work on my mind and heart to breed wisdom within me. God teaches me everyday about letting go, and trusting in Him. Trust in God is how lives are changes, and how ministries grow. Little by little I see the changes that happen in others and in myself as a result of letting go and trusting. Its not easy, but no one said it would be.

Trust is what brings us to a new chapter for The Union. It’s been a bit of a journey, but coming to a place where we all step out on faith has been rather liberating. The idea of being in a building, of having bills to pay, and of new responsibilities is a bit nerve racking. Despite that, however, all of us stepped out. Now, we haven’t a clue where we are going to go from here, but where ever it is we’re going to follow God to get there.

When we moved into our building we set a goal to have everything ready by August 23. Sunday we were ready. Nothing spectacular happened. No red sea was parted in the room, nor did tongues of fire appear over anyone, but a group of people did come together to worship God, and to grow in Him. I  find that amazing. There was a peace over all of it, and that’s why we’ll continue to see what adventure God has in store.

One of the most amazing things about it all, is that everything we are doing has been done time and time again. Not only has it been done, but it will continue to be done. Yet nothing can ever seem to replace the joy of community in Christ. No matter how many times it is done. No matter how many different locations, times, and peoples do it, we still find that simply coming together in mutual community and faith is one of the most inspiring things that could happen. When the divine presence Christ brought here for us is embraced we find that true life is found, burdens are eased, and lives are changed forever.

The Hebrew people believe that we enter the future with our backs towards it. All we can really do is see where we have been, and learn from our past. That is my prayer for the future of our ministry. I pray that we would put our faith in God, learn from out shortcomings, and never forget to love the way that we have and are loved.

When I watched this video I was left with an insane desire to lace up some boots(timberlands of course), and climb a mountain. I had a huge adrenaline surge that left my heart rate going up, and my breathing slightly accelerated. It was such an irrational feeling, but I didn’t care. In the end all I wanted was adventure. Why does a minute long advertisement leave me feeling like my life is empty? It only took a short time to realize the answer seems obnoxiously simple. I’m sitting in a jail cell with the door open, and I’m too afraid to leave it.The only thing is, its not just me.

Life was never meant to be misery. I honestly do not believe God was looking forward to caffinated society, and corporate ladders when He made everything. God put in us a desire to create and explore, and yet we seem to ignore it. We make environments for ourselves where we simply live inside the box, and think inside the box. Why? Its safer in the box.

Which brings me back to what I said. Before Christ, there is only slavery to sin. Chains that cannot be broken by the strength of mankind. A taint so dark we cannot wash it out. A plague our medicine cannot cure, that always ends in death. Like I said, though, that was before Christ. We have hope. We have peace. we have freedom…but where is it? Its out the door of my cell, and I’m too afraid to go outside.

John 8:34-36

34Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. 35Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. 36So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

I am free, but deep down inside I’m content to live life going through the motions, because I don’t know what God will ask me to do. The fear, I think, is in a lot of us. If I give it to God, if I really let go I might end up in Africa, or in a village of lepers, or on the streets. If we just go through the motions we can act like we don’t sense that there is a deeper adventure to life waiting for us. We can act like we don’t here the whisper of God in our minds telling us to get out of the box and do something amazing. We can live life a little less dangerously.

There is another verse that seems to go really well with this one:

John 10:10

10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

In 07 a gallup poll concluded that 77% of Americans hate their job(source). Its no wonder the number of people considered depressed seems to keep rising every year. We spend temendous amounts of our time at our jobs. Time we spend so that we can make money, pay bills, blow the rest on whatever(or blow it all and not pay the bills like so many), rinse, and repeat. That doesn’t sound very full.

Having a job isn’t evil, but letting it rule your life is. When was the last time we walked outside and appreciated the sunset? Have we stopped to see the leave changing, or the clouds in the sky? When did church buildings become another standard cookie cutter facility and not an great arcitectural testament to God? Why don’t we create with the skills we have? Where is the art?

Life to the full is something so far beyond what most of us live today. Life to the full is embracing the adventure that life holds, including all of the danger accociated with it.

I’m not particularly old, however I’ve lived long enough to know a few things. I do know with a certainty that resonates through my being, that life will never be as full as it will be when living for God. So often we’re terrified by what God might call us to do, but for those few that embrace it, they find that His calling is something so full they can’t contain it within themselves. They simply must share it with everyone around them. We’ve all met that person. They’re like some elusive rare creature. To see a person who is full of life is unfortunately a rare event, but when you meet that person they share their fullness with the ones they see. All people have the ability to live life to the fullest, but it will come down to a choice that will lead them in places they never imagined, so they are afraid.

If you are empty, He can make you full. It doesn’t get much simpler than that.

The shackles are off. Stand up, walk out of the cell, and live your life to the fullest.

One dreaful glance over my shoulder I essayed. Not long enough to see, or did I see? The rim of the sunrise that shoots time dead with golden arrows and puts to flight all phantasmal shapes. Screaming I buried my face in the folds of my teacher’s robe.

“The morning! The morning!” I cried, “I am caught by the morning, and I am a ghost!” but it was too late.

-The Great Divoce by C. S. Lewis

To add a little bit of meaning to the above quote you need to know about the book it is from. The Great Divorce is a short novel by C S Lewis about a man who takes a bus ride from hell to heaven. Upon arriving he discovers two things. For one, he is a ghost. The man in the novel witnesses “solid people” who come and explain that he too can become solid. Second, he discovers that in his ghostly form, he cannot effect heaven. When he steps on the grass, it does not move, instead it feels like spikes in his feet. When tall grass gets blown in the wind and brushes him, it feels like a boulder knocked him over. The book on the whole is a hard look at grace, good, and evil. Throughout the book though there is mentioned the end of time when the “twilight” of hell will turn to the darkness, and when the sun will rise to morning in heaven. At that time will be the end of evil.

I couldn’t help but listen to that last part of the story over and over again. Christ said He’d come like a thief in the night when no one was expecting(not even Him by his own admission). Do you ever ask yourself what it would be like if Christ showed up face to face tomorrow? The more I learn about Christ the more I’m appalled by my own behavior. My stomach clenches a little bit at the idea of have to face Christ in my current state of being. That is why grace is so amazing. Just as I’m terrified by my own screw ups, I’m more grateful than ever for how much I’ve been forgiven. I don’t think Christ intended for us to live in fear of His coming. I think He wanted us to be prepared, because in that process of preparation we grow closer to Him.

How much more beautiful will it be when we see Him face to face if we have pursued a likeness of Him? I think its more than we can understand, but I do know this. On the day the dusk becomes the morning, I intend to stand in the rays of light. Not be caught as a ghost.

I haven’t written anything in quite a while. I imagine thats not too good of me, but thats how it goes. I’m still attending the bible study on the early church (most) Tuesdays. So far I have enjoyed the experience quite a lot. Waking up that early in the morning still seems to be a bit of a problem for me, but I honestly get the feeling I’ll never be good at mornings. Its interesting to look at the early church and see the impact they made on the lives of people around them, and to look at our churches now and realize that simply doesn’t happen all too often. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen near as much as people need it to. We have a responsibility to help a dead world find life, and yet we become content with keeping everything to ourselves, and becoming too cold to care about anyone else.

Walls are good for nothing but keeping certain people in, and other people out. Christianity is full of walls. The fact is we will never maintain a real impact on peoples lives until we take these walls down. In the end we spend all of our time explain the wall, we find ourselves coming up with clever new cliches about why we do things the way we do, and no matter how we spin it–its still too complicated for even us.

Life should be simplified, and so should faith. Why is it so much to ask that you simply love a person? I was talking with someone not too long ago about the modern interest in gay people within our culture. I’ve heard people say that if you are gay you cannot be a Christian…I’m certain if you asked the same people if a murder convict could come to Christ in jail that they would say yes. What about the guy who raped a 4 year old girl? If being gay is your only sin, then I’d say your doing better than some and not as good as others. In the end sin is sin, and grace is for everyone. Its that simple. Its hard to hate sin and not hate the person. Its actually much easier to hate the person than to understand they we all carry this sickening disease around. Even now I find myself angry at people, when I should be angry at the sin that makes them blind to love. If I could ask one thing, I’d ask that we learn to turn that anger and hatred to pity and love.

As always I’ve also been considering a lot about how we speak. I said something at one of our Tuesday morning meetings that struck me hard. In the middle of a conversation out of no where I said, “sarcasm is the easiest way to avoid intimacy.” Sarcasm is defined as this:

1. A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
2. A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.

The reason this struck me so hard is because when I think about my own speech I really have to stop and wonder how many wounds I leave in people’s hearts all around me each day. Its so easy to reply to things with sarcasm. Sure, we all laugh about it, but no matter how you swing it, most of the time it still hurts even if just a little. Who honestly wants to be the “the butt of contempt or ridicule?” I have a hard time believing that people want to be wounded. Yet we do it anyway. Contempt and arrogance often come out of our mouths, and I think the reason it happens so frequently is because we’re all afraid to let people know whats inside of us. When I look at my own heart I find I’m scared to let someone else in, because I’ve been hurt so much in the past I simply don’t want to risk it happening again. The problem though is the longing that comes from deep within my soul. Longing for both human and spiritual intimacy. So, no matter how hard I try in the end I feel pain, but is it worth it to open up?

The more I think about intimacy and the risks involved I almost want to say its not worth it to be open to the people around you. After all, humans are not perfect and you will get hurt eventually. I think like that, but then one day something will happen that always seems to change my mind. Just a few minutes ago I got on my facebook and found I had a new message. It turns out it was a message from Ryan, simply saying he liked something I designed and gave me a simple good job. When someone intentionally comes to me for a hug, no need to say anything but just a hug. When its raining softly outside the world seems almost quiet and I feel like I can just about hear the voice of God. These are some of the things that make me thing its well worth it to risk enduring the pain to have the reward of intimacy from both people and God. Stop and ask yourself if you think its worth it, if you don’t then I pray God shows you the value of His infinite love.

We’re back, and unfortunately once again I feel like I took a vacation that felt nothing like a vacation. Wicked was absolutely amazing, and we had fun, but the beds at the hotel were so hard and uncomfortable that I had a really hard time sleeping, so for four days I’ve slept really bad. I’d definitely recommend Wicked to anyone, the show was a blast, and was far more then I had even expected. I just love the theme of the whole show. While it was focuses on the relationship between the wicked witch and the people around her the show had a lot of political undertones. The whole conflict comes about as a result of the wizard oppressing the rights of the animals(who in oz can talk and think like people). In the end she is label as “wicked” through propaganda and lies all as a result of her wanted to stand up for what she believed in. I really like the way they tied the story together with the original wizard of oz story, it just gave a nice fresh perspective on the whole thing.

The one nice really nice thing about being gone though was I had the chance to 1. catch up on my reading, and 2. think. I read a book called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. The thing I love about books like this is to see what its like for someone to rise up to the challenges that harsh spiritual environments present and to overcome them. The whole book really touched me, but I think the most important thing to see in the book was to truly understand the importance of prayer. Sure, we all know prayer is a good thing, but prayer is probably one of the most overlooked things in our daily lives. Even a lot of prayer that is done has a tendency to be forced, or is simply done because its the right thing to do, not because there is a heart of prayer. I look at my own life and must say I’m disgusted at my own prayer. I could come up with a lot of nice flowery, tear-jerking prayers, but in the end I know my heart simply isn’t there. Now that I’ve more openly acknowledged my problem I feel I’m a good step closer to correcting the problem, but I also understand I have a long way to go. When a heart not only prays, but is driven to pray amazing things will follow in the wake.

Ovie and I had a great conversation last night. Even though I really enjoy my time alone to ponder things, its really nice to have people in my life who I can bounce my ideas off of, and its even more enjoyable to find out I’m not the only one who is feeling these things. Spiritually I’m just down right apathetic. I can make excuses why that happened but in the end it doesn’t matter, what matters is that has to change, and I understand now the only way I’m going to change that fact is to set myself some goals. A huge problem with myself, and the entire twenty-something age group is a huge lack of goals. Sure I want to be close to God, and I want to have a house and a nice car, those are goals right? Indeed they are, however I realize now I have no goals to get me to those places. We can look towards the future all we want, but at the end of the day we live here and now, and we have to learn to get moving. I’m starting to learn to take smaller steps. Have John read by the end of this month, pray twice a day, etc. I know this isn’t some kind of cureall for my spirituall life, but I feel like it’ll get me back in the movement, the first few steps are always the hardest. In the end I understand that I can no longer sit still, I have things to do and a world to change.

I think the most disturbing thing about feeling so apathetic is my deep fear that I’ll become cold and lose compassion. Two instances haunt me, and I simply cannot get them out of my mind. The first happened while we were in Orlando. We stopped by wal-greens to get something for Kat since she wasn’t feeling all that great at the time. As we walked about I was in the back, and I walked past a man sitting on the sidewalk. He mumbled something and I stop and turned to him, and said “what was that?.”
He calmly replied,” do you have any change?” I told him I was sorry I did not(which was true, I don’t keep cash on me), and then walked to the car. It wasn’t until we got back on the road that the alarm went off in my head. What was I thinking? I had $20 on my debit card, would it of really been so hard to ask the man what he needed? The guy was dirty, with a bike and a backpack so all I can do is assume he was homeless. When was the last time he ate? Would it of hurt to lend a helping hand out to another human being? I didn’t, and unfortunately this hasn’t been the only time such a thing has happened. A month or so ago I was in the store and happened to notice a group of “scene” looking kids. Its not abnormal to see this kind of group in our store, but what made this one stand out was a girl wearing a tanktop who had a large birthmark on her back, similar to the one my brother was born with. I went about my merry business and continued to help customers as per normal. At the end of my shift I got in the car and started to head home. As I came up to the intersection to turn onto 181S I happened to look to my right, and there in the grass sat the girl I had seen in the store. She was crying her eyes out sitting alone with no other cars around. The poor girl looked absolutely miserable. Had she gotten into an argument with someone and been left behind? Did she need a ride home, or someone to talk to? I don’t know, because I kept driving.

When I look back on those events it doesn’t surprise me that the world has such a negative view of Christians. When people are in need, we keep walking. That is what breaks my heart. To know that people are hurting and we, the ones who are here to help, just don’t give a damn. Whats so sickening is that when I look in the mirror I know I am one of those people.

Now its time to stand up, and I hope that everyone else will join me on a path to a greater impact on the community around us.

I realize now what one of my biggest fears in life is. I’m terribly afraid of being an average joe. I was thinking way too much the other day, and got to thinking about my talents, or lack thereof. Its upsetting to think that I don’t stand out from anyone else. Sure I like graphic design, but honestly I’m not that great at it. I’m good with computer, but not really any better then a mid-level technician. Guitar wasn’t my forte either. I know it seems like just whining, but really do you ever wonder what makes you…you? At times I’d like to think I could answer that, but the older I get the more I realize how obscure I feel to myself. Our culture doesn’t help, the constant advertising we see seems to dictate who we should be. I know that I have a purpose, and there are things that set me apart, but I simply don’t understand them and thats what I hate. When things in life are gray is really agitates me. I guess what I really want to know is what will satisfy my soul. There are a lot of things in my life that make me happy, or are fun, but I have a hard time saying something truly satisfies me. Now, lets be realistic I don’t expect something thats going to make life feel perfect, but when someone is doing something that they truly feel meant to do you can see the satisfaction on there face, and in there life. So what is it–art, music, people? I don’t know. So far I haven’t had any God-given epiphanies, but God also doesn’t operate on the same time that I do. So, in the end I’m going to keep going until I get some further direction, and all I can do is hope it comes sooner than later.

We’re going to Orlando Wednesday and I’m super excited. Kat, Denise, and I will be seeing Wicked the Musical this week and its going to be fantastic. I was introduced to Wicked a long time ago by a good friend named Amanda. At first I kinda brushed it off(mostly because at the time I didn’t care much for musicals), but after looked into Wicked I found it grew on me rather quickly. I’d recommend listening to the cd, its full of a lot of great music. I still haven’t read the book, but its on my list of things to do. Though, I have heard the book is quite different from the musical, but thats ok its two different art forms and I don’t expect them to be the same.

Recently I scrapped an idea I had for a freelance design company, mostly because I hated the name and the logo idea. I think, though, that I’m going to design a backend CMS system similar to pureedit.org. So far I like the name “simplicity CMS”, that name sums up the idea. I want to create a CMS system for users who don’t need uber features. I’ll have to figure out how to integrate frontends into it, but that’ll come with time while studying php. I think its a solid idea and I could get some real use out of it.

I finally did it. After much debate and a lot of burn out–I cancelled my Station Pass subscription. So, no more MMORPGs(for the moment). It was pretty freeing to do so. I’ve just decided I should focus on different things for the moment, I’ll still game but not near as much as I have. I told my dad the other day that I’d rested long enough and it was time to start moving again, well I think that applies to every part of my life. I’m gonna start focusing on learning the useful things like php, css, and xml. I’m pretty certain I’ll always hate logo design, but web design is kinda fun.

The more I talk about it the more I realize I’m simply just not satisfied with what I’m doing in my life right now. Don’t get me wrong I like fixing computers, but fixing computers doesn’t satisfy my soul. As nice as it would be if fat paycheck could satisfy me, it simply doesn’t and I want more.

I’m excited about the event Ovie mentioned to me a while back. We have a ton of planning to do, but I’ve tossed the idea up to a few people and so far I’ve heard nothing but support for it. I think its time this area got together as a community. We put up too many walls and biases. Whats the point of labeling each other? Makes me sick.

Tonights devotional for me was about forgiveness. It was kind of funny considering I was talking to my mom the other day about how I have problems letting go of anger. Do we ever really stop and think about what good it does for us to still be angry about that time our sibling lied and we got grounded instead? Its ridiculous that we can’t let go. More often then not when Kat and I get into an argument it has nothing to do with her. Just the other day she did something that set me off, and I felt horrible later, because I was angry over something that had to do with my childhood, but yet she had to sit there and feel the wrath of it. Its simply not what we should do to people. I see it a lot in Best Buy, a customer will come in with a legitimate issue, but the slightest thing will set them off. It becomes very apparent which customer are mad at Best Buy, and which ones were mad before they came in. Makes me wonder who thinks that about me. Problem is, I’m not sure how to let go. In one of Rob Bell’s Nooma videos he said that to forgive someone doesn’t just mean to move on, but to wish them well in their life. I’ll be frank, I’m not a huge fan of that statement–mostly cause I think hes right, and I don’t want to think about having to do that in my own life. Can I really wish those people well, the ones I’m still angry at? I’m honestly not sure where to start, but its something I’m working towards. If you read this, then I’d encourage you to as well. The world has enough anger and hatred in it already, life needs a little more grace here and there.