Tim Turner

What exactly do you do when you feel like everything is just slipping through your fingers? My life has never been that bad. I have been blessed more than a lot of people, regardless of childhood hurts. So, how do I still end up at a point of feeling like I can’t move, breathe, or think? When do we start to walk down the road that led us to this place, and could we have seen this coming? I certainly don’t know, but today something happened that lifted me up more then I ever expected it to.

You know that month when all the bills just seem to hit you square in the face at just the wrong moment? Yep, me too. So, with everything seeming to come out of no where I was a bit concerned about this month, I can’t lie about that. Today Kat called me to inform me that for the past year we have been incorrectly paying our rent. Apparently we’ve been paying too much. Since this is the last month on that particular lease, they credited us for the extra payments throughout the year. As a result we had a cheaper rent payment, which will help us in the long run. All in all we didn’t save a ton of money, and it didn’t do anything miraculous for us, just made things a bit easier. It gets hard in our busy lives to stop and realize how God works throughout our day. Today was just an example of God taking something in my life and using it for good.

Why do I worry so much? Matthew 6:25-31 Has a bit to say about worry. Have I honestly accomplished anything by fretting over the little things in life, or even the big things for that matter? No, all thats happened is it makes me miserable. How can I expect to change the world, when I can’t stop worrying about tomorrow? The thing is, its not just me. Imagine what would happen in this country if the believers would drop their daily worrying and anxiety and actually trust God to handle it for us. In Romans 8:31-32 Paul puts it simply. The creator of the universe is on our side, so what do we have to worry over? When we worry we tell God we don’t think He is going to keep His promises to us. Now ask yourself, would you say that to His face? If not, then why do we live it everyday?

We strive so hard to distract ourselves. Movies, music, and technology fill our lives. The more we fill our lives the more we can’t hold on to anything that matters. How close are we to having to set an appointment to meet with our families? Why is it so hard to set down the blackberry and not worry about that new email you just got? Isn’t it amazing how we can be connected to the entire world all the time, and yet never connect to anyone?

Psalms 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God…”

We’re back, and unfortunately once again I feel like I took a vacation that felt nothing like a vacation. Wicked was absolutely amazing, and we had fun, but the beds at the hotel were so hard and uncomfortable that I had a really hard time sleeping, so for four days I’ve slept really bad. I’d definitely recommend Wicked to anyone, the show was a blast, and was far more then I had even expected. I just love the theme of the whole show. While it was focuses on the relationship between the wicked witch and the people around her the show had a lot of political undertones. The whole conflict comes about as a result of the wizard oppressing the rights of the animals(who in oz can talk and think like people). In the end she is label as “wicked” through propaganda and lies all as a result of her wanted to stand up for what she believed in. I really like the way they tied the story together with the original wizard of oz story, it just gave a nice fresh perspective on the whole thing.

The one nice really nice thing about being gone though was I had the chance to 1. catch up on my reading, and 2. think. I read a book called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. The thing I love about books like this is to see what its like for someone to rise up to the challenges that harsh spiritual environments present and to overcome them. The whole book really touched me, but I think the most important thing to see in the book was to truly understand the importance of prayer. Sure, we all know prayer is a good thing, but prayer is probably one of the most overlooked things in our daily lives. Even a lot of prayer that is done has a tendency to be forced, or is simply done because its the right thing to do, not because there is a heart of prayer. I look at my own life and must say I’m disgusted at my own prayer. I could come up with a lot of nice flowery, tear-jerking prayers, but in the end I know my heart simply isn’t there. Now that I’ve more openly acknowledged my problem I feel I’m a good step closer to correcting the problem, but I also understand I have a long way to go. When a heart not only prays, but is driven to pray amazing things will follow in the wake.

Ovie and I had a great conversation last night. Even though I really enjoy my time alone to ponder things, its really nice to have people in my life who I can bounce my ideas off of, and its even more enjoyable to find out I’m not the only one who is feeling these things. Spiritually I’m just down right apathetic. I can make excuses why that happened but in the end it doesn’t matter, what matters is that has to change, and I understand now the only way I’m going to change that fact is to set myself some goals. A huge problem with myself, and the entire twenty-something age group is a huge lack of goals. Sure I want to be close to God, and I want to have a house and a nice car, those are goals right? Indeed they are, however I realize now I have no goals to get me to those places. We can look towards the future all we want, but at the end of the day we live here and now, and we have to learn to get moving. I’m starting to learn to take smaller steps. Have John read by the end of this month, pray twice a day, etc. I know this isn’t some kind of cureall for my spirituall life, but I feel like it’ll get me back in the movement, the first few steps are always the hardest. In the end I understand that I can no longer sit still, I have things to do and a world to change.

I think the most disturbing thing about feeling so apathetic is my deep fear that I’ll become cold and lose compassion. Two instances haunt me, and I simply cannot get them out of my mind. The first happened while we were in Orlando. We stopped by wal-greens to get something for Kat since she wasn’t feeling all that great at the time. As we walked about I was in the back, and I walked past a man sitting on the sidewalk. He mumbled something and I stop and turned to him, and said “what was that?.”
He calmly replied,” do you have any change?” I told him I was sorry I did not(which was true, I don’t keep cash on me), and then walked to the car. It wasn’t until we got back on the road that the alarm went off in my head. What was I thinking? I had $20 on my debit card, would it of really been so hard to ask the man what he needed? The guy was dirty, with a bike and a backpack so all I can do is assume he was homeless. When was the last time he ate? Would it of hurt to lend a helping hand out to another human being? I didn’t, and unfortunately this hasn’t been the only time such a thing has happened. A month or so ago I was in the store and happened to notice a group of “scene” looking kids. Its not abnormal to see this kind of group in our store, but what made this one stand out was a girl wearing a tanktop who had a large birthmark on her back, similar to the one my brother was born with. I went about my merry business and continued to help customers as per normal. At the end of my shift I got in the car and started to head home. As I came up to the intersection to turn onto 181S I happened to look to my right, and there in the grass sat the girl I had seen in the store. She was crying her eyes out sitting alone with no other cars around. The poor girl looked absolutely miserable. Had she gotten into an argument with someone and been left behind? Did she need a ride home, or someone to talk to? I don’t know, because I kept driving.

When I look back on those events it doesn’t surprise me that the world has such a negative view of Christians. When people are in need, we keep walking. That is what breaks my heart. To know that people are hurting and we, the ones who are here to help, just don’t give a damn. Whats so sickening is that when I look in the mirror I know I am one of those people.

Now its time to stand up, and I hope that everyone else will join me on a path to a greater impact on the community around us.

I realize now what one of my biggest fears in life is. I’m terribly afraid of being an average joe. I was thinking way too much the other day, and got to thinking about my talents, or lack thereof. Its upsetting to think that I don’t stand out from anyone else. Sure I like graphic design, but honestly I’m not that great at it. I’m good with computer, but not really any better then a mid-level technician. Guitar wasn’t my forte either. I know it seems like just whining, but really do you ever wonder what makes you…you? At times I’d like to think I could answer that, but the older I get the more I realize how obscure I feel to myself. Our culture doesn’t help, the constant advertising we see seems to dictate who we should be. I know that I have a purpose, and there are things that set me apart, but I simply don’t understand them and thats what I hate. When things in life are gray is really agitates me. I guess what I really want to know is what will satisfy my soul. There are a lot of things in my life that make me happy, or are fun, but I have a hard time saying something truly satisfies me. Now, lets be realistic I don’t expect something thats going to make life feel perfect, but when someone is doing something that they truly feel meant to do you can see the satisfaction on there face, and in there life. So what is it–art, music, people? I don’t know. So far I haven’t had any God-given epiphanies, but God also doesn’t operate on the same time that I do. So, in the end I’m going to keep going until I get some further direction, and all I can do is hope it comes sooner than later.

We’re going to Orlando Wednesday and I’m super excited. Kat, Denise, and I will be seeing Wicked the Musical this week and its going to be fantastic. I was introduced to Wicked a long time ago by a good friend named Amanda. At first I kinda brushed it off(mostly because at the time I didn’t care much for musicals), but after looked into Wicked I found it grew on me rather quickly. I’d recommend listening to the cd, its full of a lot of great music. I still haven’t read the book, but its on my list of things to do. Though, I have heard the book is quite different from the musical, but thats ok its two different art forms and I don’t expect them to be the same.

Recently I scrapped an idea I had for a freelance design company, mostly because I hated the name and the logo idea. I think, though, that I’m going to design a backend CMS system similar to pureedit.org. So far I like the name “simplicity CMS”, that name sums up the idea. I want to create a CMS system for users who don’t need uber features. I’ll have to figure out how to integrate frontends into it, but that’ll come with time while studying php. I think its a solid idea and I could get some real use out of it.

I finally did it. After much debate and a lot of burn out–I cancelled my Station Pass subscription. So, no more MMORPGs(for the moment). It was pretty freeing to do so. I’ve just decided I should focus on different things for the moment, I’ll still game but not near as much as I have. I told my dad the other day that I’d rested long enough and it was time to start moving again, well I think that applies to every part of my life. I’m gonna start focusing on learning the useful things like php, css, and xml. I’m pretty certain I’ll always hate logo design, but web design is kinda fun.

The more I talk about it the more I realize I’m simply just not satisfied with what I’m doing in my life right now. Don’t get me wrong I like fixing computers, but fixing computers doesn’t satisfy my soul. As nice as it would be if fat paycheck could satisfy me, it simply doesn’t and I want more.

I’m excited about the event Ovie mentioned to me a while back. We have a ton of planning to do, but I’ve tossed the idea up to a few people and so far I’ve heard nothing but support for it. I think its time this area got together as a community. We put up too many walls and biases. Whats the point of labeling each other? Makes me sick.

Tonights devotional for me was about forgiveness. It was kind of funny considering I was talking to my mom the other day about how I have problems letting go of anger. Do we ever really stop and think about what good it does for us to still be angry about that time our sibling lied and we got grounded instead? Its ridiculous that we can’t let go. More often then not when Kat and I get into an argument it has nothing to do with her. Just the other day she did something that set me off, and I felt horrible later, because I was angry over something that had to do with my childhood, but yet she had to sit there and feel the wrath of it. Its simply not what we should do to people. I see it a lot in Best Buy, a customer will come in with a legitimate issue, but the slightest thing will set them off. It becomes very apparent which customer are mad at Best Buy, and which ones were mad before they came in. Makes me wonder who thinks that about me. Problem is, I’m not sure how to let go. In one of Rob Bell’s Nooma videos he said that to forgive someone doesn’t just mean to move on, but to wish them well in their life. I’ll be frank, I’m not a huge fan of that statement–mostly cause I think hes right, and I don’t want to think about having to do that in my own life. Can I really wish those people well, the ones I’m still angry at? I’m honestly not sure where to start, but its something I’m working towards. If you read this, then I’d encourage you to as well. The world has enough anger and hatred in it already, life needs a little more grace here and there.