Tim Turner

Today I was listening to a radio show. This particular show is essentially a pastor and a guest. Callers can talk to either of them and asked their questions on life, spirituality, morality, etc. and get biblical answers to said questions. I’ve come across this show many times and usually find the content thought provoking and very well founded. Today, though, I find a pair of calls that I simply can’t get past. The whole thing went a bit like this:

A woman called in and explained that she was very ill(sounded like she was feeling very weak) and had recently talked with another radio show host who apparently made a statement saying essentially that the woman’s condition was going to have happened no matter what since God can see the future. The woman then said that she was confused and just couldn’t understand that statement.  The two gentlemen replied with as good of an answer as could be expected in such an awkward situation. Obviously we can’t see the future, and they don’t have all of the information, but they were able to encourage the woman. They also mentioned some verses to read, which she then said that she could not read due to the illness afflicting her. She mentioned that she had bought some sermon dvds for her unsaved family members since she was worried about them. Finally the radio hosts encouraged her to continue listening and then prayed for her.

The next caller was a younger sounding woman who was asking about some tips on starting a street ministry. Apparently that was a hot topic for the guest speaker, and so he was more than happy to give some pointers to the young lady. Also he asked the host to send her a few sets of material(devotionals, tracks, etc.). They were obviously very excited to help her, and encourage her greatly in her future ministry.

On the surface there wasn’t much wrong with what I’d heard. Sounded just like anything else I’d expect on a talk show. The thing that keeps bugging me though is the first woman that called. This woman was obviously having problems. Called in looking for answers, and got them as far as I think possible. No one even thought(as far as I’m aware) to ask that woman if they could help. If we can hand out ministry materials for free, why can’t we send out a free audiobook version of the bible for a woman who can no longer read? I understand absolutely, that none of us is capable of being all things for all people. I understand it was not the nature of this particular show. I also understand its possible someone from the show did just the thing I’m saying. The whole encounter, though, left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Are we so concerned with getting in new believers, that we never bother to help the people we already have? Has the Church degraded down to the point that our only concern is to get people to sign the dotted line, but not lift a finger to give comfort for those who are hurting?

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and the needy” - Proverbs 31:8-9

We, as believers, are to act as Christ did on earth. Christ was there for the needy, there for the hurting, and there for those who had fallen. Its feels as though somewhere along the way we have become so busy we don’t have time to actually help anyone. Would it really hurt to skip that morning latte and use the money to buy lunch for a friend who just lost their job? Can we be bothered to listen to that neighbor who has hit rock bottom and doesn’t know if there is any hope left?

Our faith is not a machine that gets people in the door and then leaves them out to dry. Christ told us in the great commission to:

¹⁹ Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. ²⁰ Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” -Matthew 28:19-20

Often times we only lo0k to verse 19 when referring to the great commission, but what about verse 20? It says to teach the new disciples. Teach people can be done a lot of different ways, but one way that is certain to teach the gospel is by word and to follow it with action.

God didn’t just chose to share His love long enough to save us. He loves us so much that He continues to be a part of our lives. He listens to us, helps us, and teaches us. When we are hurting He is there. From Him all hope and love come. Yet, we often times refuse to share the love God has given us. We have settled for the easy way out. God gives us so much love that it should overflow from us into others, but we commonly treat it like a precious metal and want to keep it all to ourselves. We should share that love with everyone we come into contact with. Allow it to pour out onto those in need, and to use it to provide who cannot provide for themselves.

At the end of the day the reason all of this has been bothering me so much is because I see myself lacking. Its so easy to help people when its convenient or when they are easy to help. Its completely different when that person is hard to love. Its great to give myself a pat on the back when I do something nice, but doing nice things and helping are completely different things. All the nice things in the world won’t help someone if they do not actually provide for their needs.

¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.

¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. ¹⁸If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord. ²⁰On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” ²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. -Romans 12:14-21

Often times when we don’t like someone or find them undesirable we seem to forget about their humanity. That person has a story. They have hurts, tastes, and loves…just like we do. Rather than ignoring or talking bad about a person, what would happen if we swallowed our pride and helped them in their times of need? We would acknowledge their humanity, and we would affirm God’s love in our lives.

I ask of myself, and of others that next time you see someone whether you like them or not if they have a need fulfill it. Sometimes its a simple as kind words. Sometimes kind words fall short, and we actually have to do something. Be ready for action. When someone cries give them a shoulder. When someone needs home give them a bed. When someone punches you in the face give them a hug. For all you know that may be the most love anyone has ever showed them.

It’s been a while since I’ve even thought about writing anything. These last few months have left me drained and uninspired. Work has been stressful, and worrying about things that cannot be change seem to use up a lot of your energy.  Life piles on high and doesn’t let up at all. Finally you come to a point where you can no longer stand. In the end you either fall on your knees, or flat on your face.

Every minute I’m alive it becomes more and more apparent how little I control, and how big God is. The more statistics, graphs, and charts that I learn just seem to leave me realizing I’m just not strong enough handle it all. We try so hard to “grab life by the horns”, but it turns out those horns are sharp and have a tendency to run us through. It leaves us broken, exhausted, and bitter. That is how I could sum up the previous 8 months from the time of my last post…

But then there is hope.

Somewhere in the back of my mind God keeps screaming at me telling me to stop trying so hard and let Him do the things that I already know He can do better than I can. Somewhere along the way I started to decide that might not be such a bad idea, and so I started to let go just a little bit. I had to start letting go of what I wanted to happen and when I wanted it to happen, and come to a place where I could just let go.

Sunday was our kickoff service at our new building. I can’t even explain how excited I was to finally see it happen. To see a little bit of our dreams solidify is a wonderful thing. During the sermon Ovie used an example. It’s a very simple concept: If you build a cage with a hole large enough for a monkey to slip its hand into to grab whatever object you have placed inside. You will find that the monkey will not let go of what it has grabbed, despite that making it impossible for the monkey to get its hand back out and get away.  As a result the monkey is then taken into captivity. This example has been told many of time, and under different applications. For me personally, however, I find that despite knowing and understanding this concept… I still do it. I don’t want to let go of knowing. I want to know whats going to happen. I want to have control, because control equals comfort. A lot of the time its not ok for me to unable to predict the next thing. You see I value knowledge, and I value the mind that God has given me. It appears that I often have a tendency to mistake knowledge for wisdom. When that happens I find myself trying to snatch control from God. Despite my unruliness God continues to work on my mind and heart to breed wisdom within me. God teaches me everyday about letting go, and trusting in Him. Trust in God is how lives are changes, and how ministries grow. Little by little I see the changes that happen in others and in myself as a result of letting go and trusting. Its not easy, but no one said it would be.

Trust is what brings us to a new chapter for The Union. It’s been a bit of a journey, but coming to a place where we all step out on faith has been rather liberating. The idea of being in a building, of having bills to pay, and of new responsibilities is a bit nerve racking. Despite that, however, all of us stepped out. Now, we haven’t a clue where we are going to go from here, but where ever it is we’re going to follow God to get there.

When we moved into our building we set a goal to have everything ready by August 23. Sunday we were ready. Nothing spectacular happened. No red sea was parted in the room, nor did tongues of fire appear over anyone, but a group of people did come together to worship God, and to grow in Him. I  find that amazing. There was a peace over all of it, and that’s why we’ll continue to see what adventure God has in store.

One of the most amazing things about it all, is that everything we are doing has been done time and time again. Not only has it been done, but it will continue to be done. Yet nothing can ever seem to replace the joy of community in Christ. No matter how many times it is done. No matter how many different locations, times, and peoples do it, we still find that simply coming together in mutual community and faith is one of the most inspiring things that could happen. When the divine presence Christ brought here for us is embraced we find that true life is found, burdens are eased, and lives are changed forever.

The Hebrew people believe that we enter the future with our backs towards it. All we can really do is see where we have been, and learn from our past. That is my prayer for the future of our ministry. I pray that we would put our faith in God, learn from out shortcomings, and never forget to love the way that we have and are loved.

24 Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart,
All you who hope in the LORD. (Psalms 31:24)

24 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? (Romans 8:24)

13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Coincidence isn’t something I put much faith in. So when a lot of the same thing seem to pop up in life I think its wise to considering paying closer attention. For a while now I’ve been noticing one thing in particular keep showing up in my life. A deep sense of impending suffering, and a deeper hope I should place in God to get me through it.

I’d feel a little arrogant thinking the coming storm was meant for me alone, so I have no doubt that its going to have an effect on others, but its also obvious to me now that God has something for me to learn. Life may get really hard all of the sudden. In this country in particular many of us are not used to life being very hard. So, what then do we do when life throws us to our knees till they’re bloody and torn? How do you believe when you can’t see five minutes ahead, much less see God? I heard a fantastic answer today in a song by Building 429(Lyrics)(Hear it)

The story behind the song is simple, but powerful. The first verse is about an event in which Jason Roy met a woman in an autograph line that had lost her child, and told them the story of how the child was killed by her ex-husband. The story weighed heavily on him, and he started to write the song as a cry, and as a question to God. The second verse is about his own experience as a child with his father leaving, and the pain caused by the event. The thing is, though, the answer to the question is found in the chorus:

But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

God keeps His promises always. In Hebrews 13:5 it says we will not be left or forsaken. Considering we have no right to demand anything of God, its a pretty huge deal when the Creator of the universe tells you that He will always be there, no matter what. The thing I think we all forget about our life with Christ is that no where does the bible say Christianity includes an easy button. No where do we see our lives becoming magically perfect and never will another hardship fall on us.

The painting in the picture is a birthday present given to me by my amazing friend Lacey. On it is a quote that never ceases to ring a chord with me. The quote is from The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis and happens in a conversation between the children and the beavers. Mr. Beaver is telling the kids about Aslan the lion and they ask if he is “quite safe.” I think this is a perfect view of Christ. There is nothing safe about Christ, but Christ is good. Better than anything else in the world.

As a result of our walk with Christ we may find that we have to sacrifice much more then we are comfortable with, but He is good. The world will hate us for it, but He is good. Faith may cost us everything, but He is good.

No matter what the cost is for us, however, God fulfills His promises. We can have hope that even when we are beaten and bloodied God is with us, always.

Its no secret, I get stressed out too easily, and I don’t handle it well. Like a snowball rolling down a hill the next thing I know I have an avalanche of anxiety filling every moment of my day. As of this week it would appear that I’ve run out of fake smiles, so I guess I’m in a bind. Its not something I’m particularly proud of, but at the same time what do you do when you’ve lived life with so much on your shoulders that you are afraid to put it down? Sometimes freedom is so free its terrifying.

Tonight I was driving home, and happened to turn on the radio to hear “In My Arms” by Plumb. This song in particular was written by the lead singer about her child, however it seemed to strike a different cord for me. The chorus in particular is what stuck with me. It seems I’ve gotten so caught up in whats happening that I forgot this:

Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Life isn’t suddenly perfect, but its nice when God puts a reminder in your day to remember to look up. I forgot why I keep hope, when there should be none. Even though none of the things on my mind have gone away I know I will make it through. When life is raging at every corner of your being, you’ll be safe in His arms.

After I heard that song, I rolled down the windows, and drove home with a smile on my face.

When I watched this video I was left with an insane desire to lace up some boots(timberlands of course), and climb a mountain. I had a huge adrenaline surge that left my heart rate going up, and my breathing slightly accelerated. It was such an irrational feeling, but I didn’t care. In the end all I wanted was adventure. Why does a minute long advertisement leave me feeling like my life is empty? It only took a short time to realize the answer seems obnoxiously simple. I’m sitting in a jail cell with the door open, and I’m too afraid to leave it.The only thing is, its not just me.

Life was never meant to be misery. I honestly do not believe God was looking forward to caffinated society, and corporate ladders when He made everything. God put in us a desire to create and explore, and yet we seem to ignore it. We make environments for ourselves where we simply live inside the box, and think inside the box. Why? Its safer in the box.

Which brings me back to what I said. Before Christ, there is only slavery to sin. Chains that cannot be broken by the strength of mankind. A taint so dark we cannot wash it out. A plague our medicine cannot cure, that always ends in death. Like I said, though, that was before Christ. We have hope. We have peace. we have freedom…but where is it? Its out the door of my cell, and I’m too afraid to go outside.

John 8:34-36

34Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. 35Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. 36So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

I am free, but deep down inside I’m content to live life going through the motions, because I don’t know what God will ask me to do. The fear, I think, is in a lot of us. If I give it to God, if I really let go I might end up in Africa, or in a village of lepers, or on the streets. If we just go through the motions we can act like we don’t sense that there is a deeper adventure to life waiting for us. We can act like we don’t here the whisper of God in our minds telling us to get out of the box and do something amazing. We can live life a little less dangerously.

There is another verse that seems to go really well with this one:

John 10:10

10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

In 07 a gallup poll concluded that 77% of Americans hate their job(source). Its no wonder the number of people considered depressed seems to keep rising every year. We spend temendous amounts of our time at our jobs. Time we spend so that we can make money, pay bills, blow the rest on whatever(or blow it all and not pay the bills like so many), rinse, and repeat. That doesn’t sound very full.

Having a job isn’t evil, but letting it rule your life is. When was the last time we walked outside and appreciated the sunset? Have we stopped to see the leave changing, or the clouds in the sky? When did church buildings become another standard cookie cutter facility and not an great arcitectural testament to God? Why don’t we create with the skills we have? Where is the art?

Life to the full is something so far beyond what most of us live today. Life to the full is embracing the adventure that life holds, including all of the danger accociated with it.

I’m not particularly old, however I’ve lived long enough to know a few things. I do know with a certainty that resonates through my being, that life will never be as full as it will be when living for God. So often we’re terrified by what God might call us to do, but for those few that embrace it, they find that His calling is something so full they can’t contain it within themselves. They simply must share it with everyone around them. We’ve all met that person. They’re like some elusive rare creature. To see a person who is full of life is unfortunately a rare event, but when you meet that person they share their fullness with the ones they see. All people have the ability to live life to the fullest, but it will come down to a choice that will lead them in places they never imagined, so they are afraid.

If you are empty, He can make you full. It doesn’t get much simpler than that.

The shackles are off. Stand up, walk out of the cell, and live your life to the fullest.

What exactly do you do when you feel like everything is just slipping through your fingers? My life has never been that bad. I have been blessed more than a lot of people, regardless of childhood hurts. So, how do I still end up at a point of feeling like I can’t move, breathe, or think? When do we start to walk down the road that led us to this place, and could we have seen this coming? I certainly don’t know, but today something happened that lifted me up more then I ever expected it to.

You know that month when all the bills just seem to hit you square in the face at just the wrong moment? Yep, me too. So, with everything seeming to come out of no where I was a bit concerned about this month, I can’t lie about that. Today Kat called me to inform me that for the past year we have been incorrectly paying our rent. Apparently we’ve been paying too much. Since this is the last month on that particular lease, they credited us for the extra payments throughout the year. As a result we had a cheaper rent payment, which will help us in the long run. All in all we didn’t save a ton of money, and it didn’t do anything miraculous for us, just made things a bit easier. It gets hard in our busy lives to stop and realize how God works throughout our day. Today was just an example of God taking something in my life and using it for good.

Why do I worry so much? Matthew 6:25-31 Has a bit to say about worry. Have I honestly accomplished anything by fretting over the little things in life, or even the big things for that matter? No, all thats happened is it makes me miserable. How can I expect to change the world, when I can’t stop worrying about tomorrow? The thing is, its not just me. Imagine what would happen in this country if the believers would drop their daily worrying and anxiety and actually trust God to handle it for us. In Romans 8:31-32 Paul puts it simply. The creator of the universe is on our side, so what do we have to worry over? When we worry we tell God we don’t think He is going to keep His promises to us. Now ask yourself, would you say that to His face? If not, then why do we live it everyday?

We strive so hard to distract ourselves. Movies, music, and technology fill our lives. The more we fill our lives the more we can’t hold on to anything that matters. How close are we to having to set an appointment to meet with our families? Why is it so hard to set down the blackberry and not worry about that new email you just got? Isn’t it amazing how we can be connected to the entire world all the time, and yet never connect to anyone?

Psalms 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God…”

Definition Administration - 6
Definition Discernment - 16
Definition Evangelism - 11
Definition Exhortation - 14
Definition Faith - 7
Definition Giving - 2
Definition Ministering - 16
Definition Knowledge - 14
Definition Mercy - 18
Definition Pastor - 17
Definition Teaching - 15
Definition Wisdom - 17

I think God is rather hilarious at times. That is the 2nd spiritual gifts test I’ve taken in two days, and both times they came out basically the same. Mercy, Teching, Wisdom–from everything I can tell those are the skills God gave me to use. So, now I have to ask myself…what do I do with it? For quite a while now I’ve been ignoring God, basically as much as possible. I knew when I decided to enter into the ministry that while God does let some people sit back and be content with their simple life, I was never intended to be one. It would be so nice to relax and live life as an average joe, but my soul keeps stirring.  Today I realized why I can’t settle. Its simple realy, its the desire to create.

God, being the Creator, made all of us in His image. I think a lot of times we turn things around, and make our characteristics His. The problem with that thinking is that we are flawed, He is not. One thing mankind must do, no matter how much we may resist it, is to create. We must make something, its built into all of us. The most common form is for us to create art or music. Its not limited to that, however, we can create love, peace, and joy as well. One thing I really and truly love to do, is to create something that inspires someone. A lot of times that puts me into the roll of untrained-struggling-to-be-creative graphic designer. The thing is though, it makes me incredibly happy, regardless of how unsatisfied I am with my own creativity. I feel so great about it, because something inside of me knows that I simply have to create something. Look at humanity’s past. You can learn quite a lot about a culture simply from the art they create. Look at how inspiring architecture has been.  The universe itself is a mighty piece of art. Science is necessary, because we feel a need to understand the infinite potential of the world God created for us. Nothing about this is really new, though, but it got me thinking about my own creations today.

What if art is not what God intended for me, but to bring about peace in a person’s heart? Its so easy to turn to art as the best way to show our creative desires. Could is be just as creative to listen to a person and give them wisdom? Is creating peace in a heart of chaos a way to make art? Is it possible that when you teach someone a new way to look at God you are creating love? What about listening to another persons cry for help, is that just as creative as the man with a paintbrush? Earlier today I might have said no, but I am certain these things are just as creative. I now realize that the joy I feel when creating art is only a small part of what God actually intends for me to do. While I’m still not certain what I should be doing, I know that I shouldn’t settle for what kind of logos or shirts I can make. What I am to create will likely not be something that can be seen, but something thats inside the hearts of people.

So, next time you look at a painting and have a real appreciation for the talent that God has blessed that person with, will you also look at the works of your own hands, your mouth, or your eyes and see the creativity that comes from them as well?

I haven’t written anything in quite a while. I imagine thats not too good of me, but thats how it goes. I’m still attending the bible study on the early church (most) Tuesdays. So far I have enjoyed the experience quite a lot. Waking up that early in the morning still seems to be a bit of a problem for me, but I honestly get the feeling I’ll never be good at mornings. Its interesting to look at the early church and see the impact they made on the lives of people around them, and to look at our churches now and realize that simply doesn’t happen all too often. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen near as much as people need it to. We have a responsibility to help a dead world find life, and yet we become content with keeping everything to ourselves, and becoming too cold to care about anyone else.

Walls are good for nothing but keeping certain people in, and other people out. Christianity is full of walls. The fact is we will never maintain a real impact on peoples lives until we take these walls down. In the end we spend all of our time explain the wall, we find ourselves coming up with clever new cliches about why we do things the way we do, and no matter how we spin it–its still too complicated for even us.

Life should be simplified, and so should faith. Why is it so much to ask that you simply love a person? I was talking with someone not too long ago about the modern interest in gay people within our culture. I’ve heard people say that if you are gay you cannot be a Christian…I’m certain if you asked the same people if a murder convict could come to Christ in jail that they would say yes. What about the guy who raped a 4 year old girl? If being gay is your only sin, then I’d say your doing better than some and not as good as others. In the end sin is sin, and grace is for everyone. Its that simple. Its hard to hate sin and not hate the person. Its actually much easier to hate the person than to understand they we all carry this sickening disease around. Even now I find myself angry at people, when I should be angry at the sin that makes them blind to love. If I could ask one thing, I’d ask that we learn to turn that anger and hatred to pity and love.

As always I’ve also been considering a lot about how we speak. I said something at one of our Tuesday morning meetings that struck me hard. In the middle of a conversation out of no where I said, “sarcasm is the easiest way to avoid intimacy.” Sarcasm is defined as this:

1. A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
2. A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.

The reason this struck me so hard is because when I think about my own speech I really have to stop and wonder how many wounds I leave in people’s hearts all around me each day. Its so easy to reply to things with sarcasm. Sure, we all laugh about it, but no matter how you swing it, most of the time it still hurts even if just a little. Who honestly wants to be the “the butt of contempt or ridicule?” I have a hard time believing that people want to be wounded. Yet we do it anyway. Contempt and arrogance often come out of our mouths, and I think the reason it happens so frequently is because we’re all afraid to let people know whats inside of us. When I look at my own heart I find I’m scared to let someone else in, because I’ve been hurt so much in the past I simply don’t want to risk it happening again. The problem though is the longing that comes from deep within my soul. Longing for both human and spiritual intimacy. So, no matter how hard I try in the end I feel pain, but is it worth it to open up?

The more I think about intimacy and the risks involved I almost want to say its not worth it to be open to the people around you. After all, humans are not perfect and you will get hurt eventually. I think like that, but then one day something will happen that always seems to change my mind. Just a few minutes ago I got on my facebook and found I had a new message. It turns out it was a message from Ryan, simply saying he liked something I designed and gave me a simple good job. When someone intentionally comes to me for a hug, no need to say anything but just a hug. When its raining softly outside the world seems almost quiet and I feel like I can just about hear the voice of God. These are some of the things that make me thing its well worth it to risk enduring the pain to have the reward of intimacy from both people and God. Stop and ask yourself if you think its worth it, if you don’t then I pray God shows you the value of His infinite love.

We’re back, and unfortunately once again I feel like I took a vacation that felt nothing like a vacation. Wicked was absolutely amazing, and we had fun, but the beds at the hotel were so hard and uncomfortable that I had a really hard time sleeping, so for four days I’ve slept really bad. I’d definitely recommend Wicked to anyone, the show was a blast, and was far more then I had even expected. I just love the theme of the whole show. While it was focuses on the relationship between the wicked witch and the people around her the show had a lot of political undertones. The whole conflict comes about as a result of the wizard oppressing the rights of the animals(who in oz can talk and think like people). In the end she is label as “wicked” through propaganda and lies all as a result of her wanted to stand up for what she believed in. I really like the way they tied the story together with the original wizard of oz story, it just gave a nice fresh perspective on the whole thing.

The one nice really nice thing about being gone though was I had the chance to 1. catch up on my reading, and 2. think. I read a book called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. The thing I love about books like this is to see what its like for someone to rise up to the challenges that harsh spiritual environments present and to overcome them. The whole book really touched me, but I think the most important thing to see in the book was to truly understand the importance of prayer. Sure, we all know prayer is a good thing, but prayer is probably one of the most overlooked things in our daily lives. Even a lot of prayer that is done has a tendency to be forced, or is simply done because its the right thing to do, not because there is a heart of prayer. I look at my own life and must say I’m disgusted at my own prayer. I could come up with a lot of nice flowery, tear-jerking prayers, but in the end I know my heart simply isn’t there. Now that I’ve more openly acknowledged my problem I feel I’m a good step closer to correcting the problem, but I also understand I have a long way to go. When a heart not only prays, but is driven to pray amazing things will follow in the wake.

Ovie and I had a great conversation last night. Even though I really enjoy my time alone to ponder things, its really nice to have people in my life who I can bounce my ideas off of, and its even more enjoyable to find out I’m not the only one who is feeling these things. Spiritually I’m just down right apathetic. I can make excuses why that happened but in the end it doesn’t matter, what matters is that has to change, and I understand now the only way I’m going to change that fact is to set myself some goals. A huge problem with myself, and the entire twenty-something age group is a huge lack of goals. Sure I want to be close to God, and I want to have a house and a nice car, those are goals right? Indeed they are, however I realize now I have no goals to get me to those places. We can look towards the future all we want, but at the end of the day we live here and now, and we have to learn to get moving. I’m starting to learn to take smaller steps. Have John read by the end of this month, pray twice a day, etc. I know this isn’t some kind of cureall for my spirituall life, but I feel like it’ll get me back in the movement, the first few steps are always the hardest. In the end I understand that I can no longer sit still, I have things to do and a world to change.

I think the most disturbing thing about feeling so apathetic is my deep fear that I’ll become cold and lose compassion. Two instances haunt me, and I simply cannot get them out of my mind. The first happened while we were in Orlando. We stopped by wal-greens to get something for Kat since she wasn’t feeling all that great at the time. As we walked about I was in the back, and I walked past a man sitting on the sidewalk. He mumbled something and I stop and turned to him, and said “what was that?.”
He calmly replied,” do you have any change?” I told him I was sorry I did not(which was true, I don’t keep cash on me), and then walked to the car. It wasn’t until we got back on the road that the alarm went off in my head. What was I thinking? I had $20 on my debit card, would it of really been so hard to ask the man what he needed? The guy was dirty, with a bike and a backpack so all I can do is assume he was homeless. When was the last time he ate? Would it of hurt to lend a helping hand out to another human being? I didn’t, and unfortunately this hasn’t been the only time such a thing has happened. A month or so ago I was in the store and happened to notice a group of “scene” looking kids. Its not abnormal to see this kind of group in our store, but what made this one stand out was a girl wearing a tanktop who had a large birthmark on her back, similar to the one my brother was born with. I went about my merry business and continued to help customers as per normal. At the end of my shift I got in the car and started to head home. As I came up to the intersection to turn onto 181S I happened to look to my right, and there in the grass sat the girl I had seen in the store. She was crying her eyes out sitting alone with no other cars around. The poor girl looked absolutely miserable. Had she gotten into an argument with someone and been left behind? Did she need a ride home, or someone to talk to? I don’t know, because I kept driving.

When I look back on those events it doesn’t surprise me that the world has such a negative view of Christians. When people are in need, we keep walking. That is what breaks my heart. To know that people are hurting and we, the ones who are here to help, just don’t give a damn. Whats so sickening is that when I look in the mirror I know I am one of those people.

Now its time to stand up, and I hope that everyone else will join me on a path to a greater impact on the community around us.

I realize now what one of my biggest fears in life is. I’m terribly afraid of being an average joe. I was thinking way too much the other day, and got to thinking about my talents, or lack thereof. Its upsetting to think that I don’t stand out from anyone else. Sure I like graphic design, but honestly I’m not that great at it. I’m good with computer, but not really any better then a mid-level technician. Guitar wasn’t my forte either. I know it seems like just whining, but really do you ever wonder what makes you…you? At times I’d like to think I could answer that, but the older I get the more I realize how obscure I feel to myself. Our culture doesn’t help, the constant advertising we see seems to dictate who we should be. I know that I have a purpose, and there are things that set me apart, but I simply don’t understand them and thats what I hate. When things in life are gray is really agitates me. I guess what I really want to know is what will satisfy my soul. There are a lot of things in my life that make me happy, or are fun, but I have a hard time saying something truly satisfies me. Now, lets be realistic I don’t expect something thats going to make life feel perfect, but when someone is doing something that they truly feel meant to do you can see the satisfaction on there face, and in there life. So what is it–art, music, people? I don’t know. So far I haven’t had any God-given epiphanies, but God also doesn’t operate on the same time that I do. So, in the end I’m going to keep going until I get some further direction, and all I can do is hope it comes sooner than later.

We’re going to Orlando Wednesday and I’m super excited. Kat, Denise, and I will be seeing Wicked the Musical this week and its going to be fantastic. I was introduced to Wicked a long time ago by a good friend named Amanda. At first I kinda brushed it off(mostly because at the time I didn’t care much for musicals), but after looked into Wicked I found it grew on me rather quickly. I’d recommend listening to the cd, its full of a lot of great music. I still haven’t read the book, but its on my list of things to do. Though, I have heard the book is quite different from the musical, but thats ok its two different art forms and I don’t expect them to be the same.

Recently I scrapped an idea I had for a freelance design company, mostly because I hated the name and the logo idea. I think, though, that I’m going to design a backend CMS system similar to pureedit.org. So far I like the name “simplicity CMS”, that name sums up the idea. I want to create a CMS system for users who don’t need uber features. I’ll have to figure out how to integrate frontends into it, but that’ll come with time while studying php. I think its a solid idea and I could get some real use out of it.