Tim Turner

One dreaful glance over my shoulder I essayed. Not long enough to see, or did I see? The rim of the sunrise that shoots time dead with golden arrows and puts to flight all phantasmal shapes. Screaming I buried my face in the folds of my teacher’s robe.

“The morning! The morning!” I cried, “I am caught by the morning, and I am a ghost!” but it was too late.

-The Great Divoce by C. S. Lewis

To add a little bit of meaning to the above quote you need to know about the book it is from. The Great Divorce is a short novel by C S Lewis about a man who takes a bus ride from hell to heaven. Upon arriving he discovers two things. For one, he is a ghost. The man in the novel witnesses “solid people” who come and explain that he too can become solid. Second, he discovers that in his ghostly form, he cannot effect heaven. When he steps on the grass, it does not move, instead it feels like spikes in his feet. When tall grass gets blown in the wind and brushes him, it feels like a boulder knocked him over. The book on the whole is a hard look at grace, good, and evil. Throughout the book though there is mentioned the end of time when the “twilight” of hell will turn to the darkness, and when the sun will rise to morning in heaven. At that time will be the end of evil.

I couldn’t help but listen to that last part of the story over and over again. Christ said He’d come like a thief in the night when no one was expecting(not even Him by his own admission). Do you ever ask yourself what it would be like if Christ showed up face to face tomorrow? The more I learn about Christ the more I’m appalled by my own behavior. My stomach clenches a little bit at the idea of have to face Christ in my current state of being. That is why grace is so amazing. Just as I’m terrified by my own screw ups, I’m more grateful than ever for how much I’ve been forgiven. I don’t think Christ intended for us to live in fear of His coming. I think He wanted us to be prepared, because in that process of preparation we grow closer to Him.

How much more beautiful will it be when we see Him face to face if we have pursued a likeness of Him? I think its more than we can understand, but I do know this. On the day the dusk becomes the morning, I intend to stand in the rays of light. Not be caught as a ghost.

I haven’t written anything in quite a while. I imagine thats not too good of me, but thats how it goes. I’m still attending the bible study on the early church (most) Tuesdays. So far I have enjoyed the experience quite a lot. Waking up that early in the morning still seems to be a bit of a problem for me, but I honestly get the feeling I’ll never be good at mornings. Its interesting to look at the early church and see the impact they made on the lives of people around them, and to look at our churches now and realize that simply doesn’t happen all too often. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen near as much as people need it to. We have a responsibility to help a dead world find life, and yet we become content with keeping everything to ourselves, and becoming too cold to care about anyone else.

Walls are good for nothing but keeping certain people in, and other people out. Christianity is full of walls. The fact is we will never maintain a real impact on peoples lives until we take these walls down. In the end we spend all of our time explain the wall, we find ourselves coming up with clever new cliches about why we do things the way we do, and no matter how we spin it–its still too complicated for even us.

Life should be simplified, and so should faith. Why is it so much to ask that you simply love a person? I was talking with someone not too long ago about the modern interest in gay people within our culture. I’ve heard people say that if you are gay you cannot be a Christian…I’m certain if you asked the same people if a murder convict could come to Christ in jail that they would say yes. What about the guy who raped a 4 year old girl? If being gay is your only sin, then I’d say your doing better than some and not as good as others. In the end sin is sin, and grace is for everyone. Its that simple. Its hard to hate sin and not hate the person. Its actually much easier to hate the person than to understand they we all carry this sickening disease around. Even now I find myself angry at people, when I should be angry at the sin that makes them blind to love. If I could ask one thing, I’d ask that we learn to turn that anger and hatred to pity and love.

As always I’ve also been considering a lot about how we speak. I said something at one of our Tuesday morning meetings that struck me hard. In the middle of a conversation out of no where I said, “sarcasm is the easiest way to avoid intimacy.” Sarcasm is defined as this:

1. A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
2. A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.

The reason this struck me so hard is because when I think about my own speech I really have to stop and wonder how many wounds I leave in people’s hearts all around me each day. Its so easy to reply to things with sarcasm. Sure, we all laugh about it, but no matter how you swing it, most of the time it still hurts even if just a little. Who honestly wants to be the “the butt of contempt or ridicule?” I have a hard time believing that people want to be wounded. Yet we do it anyway. Contempt and arrogance often come out of our mouths, and I think the reason it happens so frequently is because we’re all afraid to let people know whats inside of us. When I look at my own heart I find I’m scared to let someone else in, because I’ve been hurt so much in the past I simply don’t want to risk it happening again. The problem though is the longing that comes from deep within my soul. Longing for both human and spiritual intimacy. So, no matter how hard I try in the end I feel pain, but is it worth it to open up?

The more I think about intimacy and the risks involved I almost want to say its not worth it to be open to the people around you. After all, humans are not perfect and you will get hurt eventually. I think like that, but then one day something will happen that always seems to change my mind. Just a few minutes ago I got on my facebook and found I had a new message. It turns out it was a message from Ryan, simply saying he liked something I designed and gave me a simple good job. When someone intentionally comes to me for a hug, no need to say anything but just a hug. When its raining softly outside the world seems almost quiet and I feel like I can just about hear the voice of God. These are some of the things that make me thing its well worth it to risk enduring the pain to have the reward of intimacy from both people and God. Stop and ask yourself if you think its worth it, if you don’t then I pray God shows you the value of His infinite love.

We’re back, and unfortunately once again I feel like I took a vacation that felt nothing like a vacation. Wicked was absolutely amazing, and we had fun, but the beds at the hotel were so hard and uncomfortable that I had a really hard time sleeping, so for four days I’ve slept really bad. I’d definitely recommend Wicked to anyone, the show was a blast, and was far more then I had even expected. I just love the theme of the whole show. While it was focuses on the relationship between the wicked witch and the people around her the show had a lot of political undertones. The whole conflict comes about as a result of the wizard oppressing the rights of the animals(who in oz can talk and think like people). In the end she is label as “wicked” through propaganda and lies all as a result of her wanted to stand up for what she believed in. I really like the way they tied the story together with the original wizard of oz story, it just gave a nice fresh perspective on the whole thing.

The one nice really nice thing about being gone though was I had the chance to 1. catch up on my reading, and 2. think. I read a book called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. The thing I love about books like this is to see what its like for someone to rise up to the challenges that harsh spiritual environments present and to overcome them. The whole book really touched me, but I think the most important thing to see in the book was to truly understand the importance of prayer. Sure, we all know prayer is a good thing, but prayer is probably one of the most overlooked things in our daily lives. Even a lot of prayer that is done has a tendency to be forced, or is simply done because its the right thing to do, not because there is a heart of prayer. I look at my own life and must say I’m disgusted at my own prayer. I could come up with a lot of nice flowery, tear-jerking prayers, but in the end I know my heart simply isn’t there. Now that I’ve more openly acknowledged my problem I feel I’m a good step closer to correcting the problem, but I also understand I have a long way to go. When a heart not only prays, but is driven to pray amazing things will follow in the wake.

Ovie and I had a great conversation last night. Even though I really enjoy my time alone to ponder things, its really nice to have people in my life who I can bounce my ideas off of, and its even more enjoyable to find out I’m not the only one who is feeling these things. Spiritually I’m just down right apathetic. I can make excuses why that happened but in the end it doesn’t matter, what matters is that has to change, and I understand now the only way I’m going to change that fact is to set myself some goals. A huge problem with myself, and the entire twenty-something age group is a huge lack of goals. Sure I want to be close to God, and I want to have a house and a nice car, those are goals right? Indeed they are, however I realize now I have no goals to get me to those places. We can look towards the future all we want, but at the end of the day we live here and now, and we have to learn to get moving. I’m starting to learn to take smaller steps. Have John read by the end of this month, pray twice a day, etc. I know this isn’t some kind of cureall for my spirituall life, but I feel like it’ll get me back in the movement, the first few steps are always the hardest. In the end I understand that I can no longer sit still, I have things to do and a world to change.

I think the most disturbing thing about feeling so apathetic is my deep fear that I’ll become cold and lose compassion. Two instances haunt me, and I simply cannot get them out of my mind. The first happened while we were in Orlando. We stopped by wal-greens to get something for Kat since she wasn’t feeling all that great at the time. As we walked about I was in the back, and I walked past a man sitting on the sidewalk. He mumbled something and I stop and turned to him, and said “what was that?.”
He calmly replied,” do you have any change?” I told him I was sorry I did not(which was true, I don’t keep cash on me), and then walked to the car. It wasn’t until we got back on the road that the alarm went off in my head. What was I thinking? I had $20 on my debit card, would it of really been so hard to ask the man what he needed? The guy was dirty, with a bike and a backpack so all I can do is assume he was homeless. When was the last time he ate? Would it of hurt to lend a helping hand out to another human being? I didn’t, and unfortunately this hasn’t been the only time such a thing has happened. A month or so ago I was in the store and happened to notice a group of “scene” looking kids. Its not abnormal to see this kind of group in our store, but what made this one stand out was a girl wearing a tanktop who had a large birthmark on her back, similar to the one my brother was born with. I went about my merry business and continued to help customers as per normal. At the end of my shift I got in the car and started to head home. As I came up to the intersection to turn onto 181S I happened to look to my right, and there in the grass sat the girl I had seen in the store. She was crying her eyes out sitting alone with no other cars around. The poor girl looked absolutely miserable. Had she gotten into an argument with someone and been left behind? Did she need a ride home, or someone to talk to? I don’t know, because I kept driving.

When I look back on those events it doesn’t surprise me that the world has such a negative view of Christians. When people are in need, we keep walking. That is what breaks my heart. To know that people are hurting and we, the ones who are here to help, just don’t give a damn. Whats so sickening is that when I look in the mirror I know I am one of those people.

Now its time to stand up, and I hope that everyone else will join me on a path to a greater impact on the community around us.