Tim Turner

One dreaful glance over my shoulder I essayed. Not long enough to see, or did I see? The rim of the sunrise that shoots time dead with golden arrows and puts to flight all phantasmal shapes. Screaming I buried my face in the folds of my teacher’s robe.

“The morning! The morning!” I cried, “I am caught by the morning, and I am a ghost!” but it was too late.

-The Great Divoce by C. S. Lewis

To add a little bit of meaning to the above quote you need to know about the book it is from. The Great Divorce is a short novel by C S Lewis about a man who takes a bus ride from hell to heaven. Upon arriving he discovers two things. For one, he is a ghost. The man in the novel witnesses “solid people” who come and explain that he too can become solid. Second, he discovers that in his ghostly form, he cannot effect heaven. When he steps on the grass, it does not move, instead it feels like spikes in his feet. When tall grass gets blown in the wind and brushes him, it feels like a boulder knocked him over. The book on the whole is a hard look at grace, good, and evil. Throughout the book though there is mentioned the end of time when the “twilight” of hell will turn to the darkness, and when the sun will rise to morning in heaven. At that time will be the end of evil.

I couldn’t help but listen to that last part of the story over and over again. Christ said He’d come like a thief in the night when no one was expecting(not even Him by his own admission). Do you ever ask yourself what it would be like if Christ showed up face to face tomorrow? The more I learn about Christ the more I’m appalled by my own behavior. My stomach clenches a little bit at the idea of have to face Christ in my current state of being. That is why grace is so amazing. Just as I’m terrified by my own screw ups, I’m more grateful than ever for how much I’ve been forgiven. I don’t think Christ intended for us to live in fear of His coming. I think He wanted us to be prepared, because in that process of preparation we grow closer to Him.

How much more beautiful will it be when we see Him face to face if we have pursued a likeness of Him? I think its more than we can understand, but I do know this. On the day the dusk becomes the morning, I intend to stand in the rays of light. Not be caught as a ghost.

We’re back, and unfortunately once again I feel like I took a vacation that felt nothing like a vacation. Wicked was absolutely amazing, and we had fun, but the beds at the hotel were so hard and uncomfortable that I had a really hard time sleeping, so for four days I’ve slept really bad. I’d definitely recommend Wicked to anyone, the show was a blast, and was far more then I had even expected. I just love the theme of the whole show. While it was focuses on the relationship between the wicked witch and the people around her the show had a lot of political undertones. The whole conflict comes about as a result of the wizard oppressing the rights of the animals(who in oz can talk and think like people). In the end she is label as “wicked” through propaganda and lies all as a result of her wanted to stand up for what she believed in. I really like the way they tied the story together with the original wizard of oz story, it just gave a nice fresh perspective on the whole thing.

The one nice really nice thing about being gone though was I had the chance to 1. catch up on my reading, and 2. think. I read a book called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. The thing I love about books like this is to see what its like for someone to rise up to the challenges that harsh spiritual environments present and to overcome them. The whole book really touched me, but I think the most important thing to see in the book was to truly understand the importance of prayer. Sure, we all know prayer is a good thing, but prayer is probably one of the most overlooked things in our daily lives. Even a lot of prayer that is done has a tendency to be forced, or is simply done because its the right thing to do, not because there is a heart of prayer. I look at my own life and must say I’m disgusted at my own prayer. I could come up with a lot of nice flowery, tear-jerking prayers, but in the end I know my heart simply isn’t there. Now that I’ve more openly acknowledged my problem I feel I’m a good step closer to correcting the problem, but I also understand I have a long way to go. When a heart not only prays, but is driven to pray amazing things will follow in the wake.

Ovie and I had a great conversation last night. Even though I really enjoy my time alone to ponder things, its really nice to have people in my life who I can bounce my ideas off of, and its even more enjoyable to find out I’m not the only one who is feeling these things. Spiritually I’m just down right apathetic. I can make excuses why that happened but in the end it doesn’t matter, what matters is that has to change, and I understand now the only way I’m going to change that fact is to set myself some goals. A huge problem with myself, and the entire twenty-something age group is a huge lack of goals. Sure I want to be close to God, and I want to have a house and a nice car, those are goals right? Indeed they are, however I realize now I have no goals to get me to those places. We can look towards the future all we want, but at the end of the day we live here and now, and we have to learn to get moving. I’m starting to learn to take smaller steps. Have John read by the end of this month, pray twice a day, etc. I know this isn’t some kind of cureall for my spirituall life, but I feel like it’ll get me back in the movement, the first few steps are always the hardest. In the end I understand that I can no longer sit still, I have things to do and a world to change.

I think the most disturbing thing about feeling so apathetic is my deep fear that I’ll become cold and lose compassion. Two instances haunt me, and I simply cannot get them out of my mind. The first happened while we were in Orlando. We stopped by wal-greens to get something for Kat since she wasn’t feeling all that great at the time. As we walked about I was in the back, and I walked past a man sitting on the sidewalk. He mumbled something and I stop and turned to him, and said “what was that?.”
He calmly replied,” do you have any change?” I told him I was sorry I did not(which was true, I don’t keep cash on me), and then walked to the car. It wasn’t until we got back on the road that the alarm went off in my head. What was I thinking? I had $20 on my debit card, would it of really been so hard to ask the man what he needed? The guy was dirty, with a bike and a backpack so all I can do is assume he was homeless. When was the last time he ate? Would it of hurt to lend a helping hand out to another human being? I didn’t, and unfortunately this hasn’t been the only time such a thing has happened. A month or so ago I was in the store and happened to notice a group of “scene” looking kids. Its not abnormal to see this kind of group in our store, but what made this one stand out was a girl wearing a tanktop who had a large birthmark on her back, similar to the one my brother was born with. I went about my merry business and continued to help customers as per normal. At the end of my shift I got in the car and started to head home. As I came up to the intersection to turn onto 181S I happened to look to my right, and there in the grass sat the girl I had seen in the store. She was crying her eyes out sitting alone with no other cars around. The poor girl looked absolutely miserable. Had she gotten into an argument with someone and been left behind? Did she need a ride home, or someone to talk to? I don’t know, because I kept driving.

When I look back on those events it doesn’t surprise me that the world has such a negative view of Christians. When people are in need, we keep walking. That is what breaks my heart. To know that people are hurting and we, the ones who are here to help, just don’t give a damn. Whats so sickening is that when I look in the mirror I know I am one of those people.

Now its time to stand up, and I hope that everyone else will join me on a path to a greater impact on the community around us.

I realize now what one of my biggest fears in life is. I’m terribly afraid of being an average joe. I was thinking way too much the other day, and got to thinking about my talents, or lack thereof. Its upsetting to think that I don’t stand out from anyone else. Sure I like graphic design, but honestly I’m not that great at it. I’m good with computer, but not really any better then a mid-level technician. Guitar wasn’t my forte either. I know it seems like just whining, but really do you ever wonder what makes you…you? At times I’d like to think I could answer that, but the older I get the more I realize how obscure I feel to myself. Our culture doesn’t help, the constant advertising we see seems to dictate who we should be. I know that I have a purpose, and there are things that set me apart, but I simply don’t understand them and thats what I hate. When things in life are gray is really agitates me. I guess what I really want to know is what will satisfy my soul. There are a lot of things in my life that make me happy, or are fun, but I have a hard time saying something truly satisfies me. Now, lets be realistic I don’t expect something thats going to make life feel perfect, but when someone is doing something that they truly feel meant to do you can see the satisfaction on there face, and in there life. So what is it–art, music, people? I don’t know. So far I haven’t had any God-given epiphanies, but God also doesn’t operate on the same time that I do. So, in the end I’m going to keep going until I get some further direction, and all I can do is hope it comes sooner than later.

We’re going to Orlando Wednesday and I’m super excited. Kat, Denise, and I will be seeing Wicked the Musical this week and its going to be fantastic. I was introduced to Wicked a long time ago by a good friend named Amanda. At first I kinda brushed it off(mostly because at the time I didn’t care much for musicals), but after looked into Wicked I found it grew on me rather quickly. I’d recommend listening to the cd, its full of a lot of great music. I still haven’t read the book, but its on my list of things to do. Though, I have heard the book is quite different from the musical, but thats ok its two different art forms and I don’t expect them to be the same.

Recently I scrapped an idea I had for a freelance design company, mostly because I hated the name and the logo idea. I think, though, that I’m going to design a backend CMS system similar to pureedit.org. So far I like the name “simplicity CMS”, that name sums up the idea. I want to create a CMS system for users who don’t need uber features. I’ll have to figure out how to integrate frontends into it, but that’ll come with time while studying php. I think its a solid idea and I could get some real use out of it.

I finished up an audio book recently and didn’t have anything else to listen to. So, after scouring my mp3 player I found that I still had a copy of Velvet Elvis on my player. I started to listen to it, and once again realized why I like that book. Whats more important though is a statement that hit me today. “Walls are inevitably made for keeping people out.” That particular statement hit me hard. In the book Rob Bell talks about “spring” faith and “brick” faith. I’ve found all to often we encounter brick walls from people who claim to want the best for you.  These same people are the ones who require you to believe certain things a certain way, or you certainly are not a Christian. This type of thinking makes me sick. Whats worse is that there are times when I find myself putting similar walls up, and this simply isn’t acceptable. I’ve decided I’m going to work harder at getting those walls torn down–walls I’ve created around faith, and around self. I’d encourage you to do the same.

I was reading through my devotional tonight, and happened across an interesting thought. The chapter was about the event where Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. In the book, Max said he tried to find a translation of the bible that said “Jesus did not wash Judas’ feet,” however could not find one. I’ve heard that story a million times, but the thought never occurred to me that Judas was apart of those who Jesus washed.

The very act of washing another’s feet in that culture was a job left for the lowest of the servants, so for Jesus it had a very significant meaning. Jesus laid down one of my favorite examples of leadership in this story, I’ve commonly heard it called “servant-leadership.” Where I work now this simply does not exist, and I think its very apparent. My management doesn’t even attempt to understand the employees or to get on their hands and knees and help. I wonder most days what it would be like if our management, or the management of most companies had a shift where the managers were willing to be servant leaders. My old youth pastor used to say often, “You can’t lead someone where you aren’t going.”

Back to my original point. So Jesus washed the feet of all His disciples, these very men would later abandon Him to hide, and one of them would be the cause of some of the worst pain and suffering a human can endure. Yet, Jesus still thought it fitting to get on the floor and wash the dirt off their feet. I’ve been sitting here asking myself if I really thought I could wash the feet of a “Judas” in my life, and to be quite honest, no I don’t think I could. I have a hard time letting go of anger, and thats why I think its such an amazing example Jesus lays for us here. Think about the people in your life who have betrayed and hurt you, could your humble yourself for their benefit? What about men like Osama Bin Laden, or Hitler, could you wash their feet? Jesus forgave the men who would abandon him before they even committed the act. Can we learn to forgive people regardless of who they are or what they’ve done to us? Can we pray for men like Hitler, and ask God to forgive them? I think the point is Jesus was showing us we can forgive no matter how hard it may be.