Tim Turner

It’s been a while since I’ve even thought about writing anything. These last few months have left me drained and uninspired. Work has been stressful, and worrying about things that cannot be change seem to use up a lot of your energy.  Life piles on high and doesn’t let up at all. Finally you come to a point where you can no longer stand. In the end you either fall on your knees, or flat on your face.

Every minute I’m alive it becomes more and more apparent how little I control, and how big God is. The more statistics, graphs, and charts that I learn just seem to leave me realizing I’m just not strong enough handle it all. We try so hard to “grab life by the horns”, but it turns out those horns are sharp and have a tendency to run us through. It leaves us broken, exhausted, and bitter. That is how I could sum up the previous 8 months from the time of my last post…

But then there is hope.

Somewhere in the back of my mind God keeps screaming at me telling me to stop trying so hard and let Him do the things that I already know He can do better than I can. Somewhere along the way I started to decide that might not be such a bad idea, and so I started to let go just a little bit. I had to start letting go of what I wanted to happen and when I wanted it to happen, and come to a place where I could just let go.

Sunday was our kickoff service at our new building. I can’t even explain how excited I was to finally see it happen. To see a little bit of our dreams solidify is a wonderful thing. During the sermon Ovie used an example. It’s a very simple concept: If you build a cage with a hole large enough for a monkey to slip its hand into to grab whatever object you have placed inside. You will find that the monkey will not let go of what it has grabbed, despite that making it impossible for the monkey to get its hand back out and get away.  As a result the monkey is then taken into captivity. This example has been told many of time, and under different applications. For me personally, however, I find that despite knowing and understanding this concept… I still do it. I don’t want to let go of knowing. I want to know whats going to happen. I want to have control, because control equals comfort. A lot of the time its not ok for me to unable to predict the next thing. You see I value knowledge, and I value the mind that God has given me. It appears that I often have a tendency to mistake knowledge for wisdom. When that happens I find myself trying to snatch control from God. Despite my unruliness God continues to work on my mind and heart to breed wisdom within me. God teaches me everyday about letting go, and trusting in Him. Trust in God is how lives are changes, and how ministries grow. Little by little I see the changes that happen in others and in myself as a result of letting go and trusting. Its not easy, but no one said it would be.

Trust is what brings us to a new chapter for The Union. It’s been a bit of a journey, but coming to a place where we all step out on faith has been rather liberating. The idea of being in a building, of having bills to pay, and of new responsibilities is a bit nerve racking. Despite that, however, all of us stepped out. Now, we haven’t a clue where we are going to go from here, but where ever it is we’re going to follow God to get there.

When we moved into our building we set a goal to have everything ready by August 23. Sunday we were ready. Nothing spectacular happened. No red sea was parted in the room, nor did tongues of fire appear over anyone, but a group of people did come together to worship God, and to grow in Him. I  find that amazing. There was a peace over all of it, and that’s why we’ll continue to see what adventure God has in store.

One of the most amazing things about it all, is that everything we are doing has been done time and time again. Not only has it been done, but it will continue to be done. Yet nothing can ever seem to replace the joy of community in Christ. No matter how many times it is done. No matter how many different locations, times, and peoples do it, we still find that simply coming together in mutual community and faith is one of the most inspiring things that could happen. When the divine presence Christ brought here for us is embraced we find that true life is found, burdens are eased, and lives are changed forever.

The Hebrew people believe that we enter the future with our backs towards it. All we can really do is see where we have been, and learn from our past. That is my prayer for the future of our ministry. I pray that we would put our faith in God, learn from out shortcomings, and never forget to love the way that we have and are loved.

Its no secret, I get stressed out too easily, and I don’t handle it well. Like a snowball rolling down a hill the next thing I know I have an avalanche of anxiety filling every moment of my day. As of this week it would appear that I’ve run out of fake smiles, so I guess I’m in a bind. Its not something I’m particularly proud of, but at the same time what do you do when you’ve lived life with so much on your shoulders that you are afraid to put it down? Sometimes freedom is so free its terrifying.

Tonight I was driving home, and happened to turn on the radio to hear “In My Arms” by Plumb. This song in particular was written by the lead singer about her child, however it seemed to strike a different cord for me. The chorus in particular is what stuck with me. It seems I’ve gotten so caught up in whats happening that I forgot this:

Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Life isn’t suddenly perfect, but its nice when God puts a reminder in your day to remember to look up. I forgot why I keep hope, when there should be none. Even though none of the things on my mind have gone away I know I will make it through. When life is raging at every corner of your being, you’ll be safe in His arms.

After I heard that song, I rolled down the windows, and drove home with a smile on my face.

Well, after two days we finally got out internet connection back. As it turned out our modem was bad. This wouldn’t have been a big deal if I didn’t tell the girl on the phone that in the first place, after which she proceeded to follow the script and ignore everything I said. I realize now though, it was kind of nice to get some time away from the internet. It was good because it forced me to sit and think for a while. At first I was really unnerved by the whole experience, but I settled quickly and found it was really quite nice to just live for a while and not worry about being connected to the world at large.

In my short lived internet vacation I happened across an e-book on my computer that I don’t remember downloading. It was some free e-book by a blog author about using productivity standards to increase creativity. The whole thing was actually rather interesting. What stood out to me the most, though, was when the author started to talk about the creative environment of various people. He spoke of a writer who kept rotting apples in his desk, and a woman who checked into a hotel everyday, and requested that they take all the items from the walls. She apparently only felt creative sitting on one elbow with a bible and thesaurus on a hotel bed with bare walls. It was all so interesting because while reading it I realize that I’ve lost my creative environment. I can’t remember what it is. When I look back to some of my better creative moments I can’t place what the setting or circumstances were like.

Its important for everyone to have a creative focus. It helps our minds stay on the task of creativity when we have a place, or object that puts us into that “creative mode.” So, now I’m going to do some contemplating and hopefully get back into my creative groove. In the event you are curious about the e-book in question here is the link: http://www.wishfulthinking.co.uk/blog/2007/12/03/time-management-for-creative-people-free-e-book/

I’ve been meaning to get on here and write for a while, but even now that I’m here I don’t exactly know what to write about.

I guess a good place to start is with the Wii–thats right I’ve finally reentered the world of console gaming. Now, PC gaming will always be superior, don’t get me wrong, but the Wii is crazy fun. My mom was ever so gracious as to buy the Wii for me, and frankly I think its a great investment. I mean seriously, when is it not fun to swing your arms around like an idiot in front of the tv? Even my mom couldn’t deny it. After she tore me apart in a game of Wii bowling(yes I suck in real life and on the game). She conceded it was a lot of fun. Also, Super Smash Brothers Brawl is a crazy awesome game. So far I’ve beaten the single player mode, and I’ve beaten 33 or 41 events. Its another one of those games that isn’t anything spectacular, its just fun. I think people get so lost in “innovation” they forget how to have fun when they play a game. You can only, “oooo” and “ahhhh” for so long, and once thats over you find yourself with a really boring game.

Monday Ovie, Ben and I had a meeting, and it was nice to get together and just talk about our dreams. I also got the chance to hear some things about myself I hadn’t heard before, and those words are appreciated. There are so many things we want to do, but for whatever reason we haven’t been able to. I like that we’re looking back to the basics again. As a whole we like to make things complicated. I’m honestly starting to think we do that simply to distract ourselves from the simple truths we don’t like to acknowledge. A lot of things that are “gray” aren’t really all that gray, we’re just comfortable with leaving it that way.

I guess the only thing I can say is pray that I get some direction. I’m not the best at listening to God, but I’d really like to know what I should be doing. Work is probably the biggest thing. Theres nothing particularly wrong with my job, in fact, the couple of weeks have been really smooth. The longer I work there, though the less and less I feel like I’m in the right place. Maybe I’m just antsy I don’t know, but I wish I was doing more with my life…problem isn’t I haven’t the foggiest idea what I should, or want to do.

I realize now one of the things that gives me great joy. I’ve been thinking over things I like and love, but in the end I think helping people through things really brings me great joy. To see the weight lifted off someone, or to see that moment of revelation when the answers become clear is a great thing to me. I don’t particularly see myself going into counseling, but thats ok.  I’d just like to think that one day I’ll truly make a difference for someone.

We’re back, and unfortunately once again I feel like I took a vacation that felt nothing like a vacation. Wicked was absolutely amazing, and we had fun, but the beds at the hotel were so hard and uncomfortable that I had a really hard time sleeping, so for four days I’ve slept really bad. I’d definitely recommend Wicked to anyone, the show was a blast, and was far more then I had even expected. I just love the theme of the whole show. While it was focuses on the relationship between the wicked witch and the people around her the show had a lot of political undertones. The whole conflict comes about as a result of the wizard oppressing the rights of the animals(who in oz can talk and think like people). In the end she is label as “wicked” through propaganda and lies all as a result of her wanted to stand up for what she believed in. I really like the way they tied the story together with the original wizard of oz story, it just gave a nice fresh perspective on the whole thing.

The one nice really nice thing about being gone though was I had the chance to 1. catch up on my reading, and 2. think. I read a book called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. The thing I love about books like this is to see what its like for someone to rise up to the challenges that harsh spiritual environments present and to overcome them. The whole book really touched me, but I think the most important thing to see in the book was to truly understand the importance of prayer. Sure, we all know prayer is a good thing, but prayer is probably one of the most overlooked things in our daily lives. Even a lot of prayer that is done has a tendency to be forced, or is simply done because its the right thing to do, not because there is a heart of prayer. I look at my own life and must say I’m disgusted at my own prayer. I could come up with a lot of nice flowery, tear-jerking prayers, but in the end I know my heart simply isn’t there. Now that I’ve more openly acknowledged my problem I feel I’m a good step closer to correcting the problem, but I also understand I have a long way to go. When a heart not only prays, but is driven to pray amazing things will follow in the wake.

Ovie and I had a great conversation last night. Even though I really enjoy my time alone to ponder things, its really nice to have people in my life who I can bounce my ideas off of, and its even more enjoyable to find out I’m not the only one who is feeling these things. Spiritually I’m just down right apathetic. I can make excuses why that happened but in the end it doesn’t matter, what matters is that has to change, and I understand now the only way I’m going to change that fact is to set myself some goals. A huge problem with myself, and the entire twenty-something age group is a huge lack of goals. Sure I want to be close to God, and I want to have a house and a nice car, those are goals right? Indeed they are, however I realize now I have no goals to get me to those places. We can look towards the future all we want, but at the end of the day we live here and now, and we have to learn to get moving. I’m starting to learn to take smaller steps. Have John read by the end of this month, pray twice a day, etc. I know this isn’t some kind of cureall for my spirituall life, but I feel like it’ll get me back in the movement, the first few steps are always the hardest. In the end I understand that I can no longer sit still, I have things to do and a world to change.

I think the most disturbing thing about feeling so apathetic is my deep fear that I’ll become cold and lose compassion. Two instances haunt me, and I simply cannot get them out of my mind. The first happened while we were in Orlando. We stopped by wal-greens to get something for Kat since she wasn’t feeling all that great at the time. As we walked about I was in the back, and I walked past a man sitting on the sidewalk. He mumbled something and I stop and turned to him, and said “what was that?.”
He calmly replied,” do you have any change?” I told him I was sorry I did not(which was true, I don’t keep cash on me), and then walked to the car. It wasn’t until we got back on the road that the alarm went off in my head. What was I thinking? I had $20 on my debit card, would it of really been so hard to ask the man what he needed? The guy was dirty, with a bike and a backpack so all I can do is assume he was homeless. When was the last time he ate? Would it of hurt to lend a helping hand out to another human being? I didn’t, and unfortunately this hasn’t been the only time such a thing has happened. A month or so ago I was in the store and happened to notice a group of “scene” looking kids. Its not abnormal to see this kind of group in our store, but what made this one stand out was a girl wearing a tanktop who had a large birthmark on her back, similar to the one my brother was born with. I went about my merry business and continued to help customers as per normal. At the end of my shift I got in the car and started to head home. As I came up to the intersection to turn onto 181S I happened to look to my right, and there in the grass sat the girl I had seen in the store. She was crying her eyes out sitting alone with no other cars around. The poor girl looked absolutely miserable. Had she gotten into an argument with someone and been left behind? Did she need a ride home, or someone to talk to? I don’t know, because I kept driving.

When I look back on those events it doesn’t surprise me that the world has such a negative view of Christians. When people are in need, we keep walking. That is what breaks my heart. To know that people are hurting and we, the ones who are here to help, just don’t give a damn. Whats so sickening is that when I look in the mirror I know I am one of those people.

Now its time to stand up, and I hope that everyone else will join me on a path to a greater impact on the community around us.

I realize now what one of my biggest fears in life is. I’m terribly afraid of being an average joe. I was thinking way too much the other day, and got to thinking about my talents, or lack thereof. Its upsetting to think that I don’t stand out from anyone else. Sure I like graphic design, but honestly I’m not that great at it. I’m good with computer, but not really any better then a mid-level technician. Guitar wasn’t my forte either. I know it seems like just whining, but really do you ever wonder what makes you…you? At times I’d like to think I could answer that, but the older I get the more I realize how obscure I feel to myself. Our culture doesn’t help, the constant advertising we see seems to dictate who we should be. I know that I have a purpose, and there are things that set me apart, but I simply don’t understand them and thats what I hate. When things in life are gray is really agitates me. I guess what I really want to know is what will satisfy my soul. There are a lot of things in my life that make me happy, or are fun, but I have a hard time saying something truly satisfies me. Now, lets be realistic I don’t expect something thats going to make life feel perfect, but when someone is doing something that they truly feel meant to do you can see the satisfaction on there face, and in there life. So what is it–art, music, people? I don’t know. So far I haven’t had any God-given epiphanies, but God also doesn’t operate on the same time that I do. So, in the end I’m going to keep going until I get some further direction, and all I can do is hope it comes sooner than later.

We’re going to Orlando Wednesday and I’m super excited. Kat, Denise, and I will be seeing Wicked the Musical this week and its going to be fantastic. I was introduced to Wicked a long time ago by a good friend named Amanda. At first I kinda brushed it off(mostly because at the time I didn’t care much for musicals), but after looked into Wicked I found it grew on me rather quickly. I’d recommend listening to the cd, its full of a lot of great music. I still haven’t read the book, but its on my list of things to do. Though, I have heard the book is quite different from the musical, but thats ok its two different art forms and I don’t expect them to be the same.

Recently I scrapped an idea I had for a freelance design company, mostly because I hated the name and the logo idea. I think, though, that I’m going to design a backend CMS system similar to pureedit.org. So far I like the name “simplicity CMS”, that name sums up the idea. I want to create a CMS system for users who don’t need uber features. I’ll have to figure out how to integrate frontends into it, but that’ll come with time while studying php. I think its a solid idea and I could get some real use out of it.

I finally did it. After much debate and a lot of burn out–I cancelled my Station Pass subscription. So, no more MMORPGs(for the moment). It was pretty freeing to do so. I’ve just decided I should focus on different things for the moment, I’ll still game but not near as much as I have. I told my dad the other day that I’d rested long enough and it was time to start moving again, well I think that applies to every part of my life. I’m gonna start focusing on learning the useful things like php, css, and xml. I’m pretty certain I’ll always hate logo design, but web design is kinda fun.

The more I talk about it the more I realize I’m simply just not satisfied with what I’m doing in my life right now. Don’t get me wrong I like fixing computers, but fixing computers doesn’t satisfy my soul. As nice as it would be if fat paycheck could satisfy me, it simply doesn’t and I want more.

I’m excited about the event Ovie mentioned to me a while back. We have a ton of planning to do, but I’ve tossed the idea up to a few people and so far I’ve heard nothing but support for it. I think its time this area got together as a community. We put up too many walls and biases. Whats the point of labeling each other? Makes me sick.

Tonights devotional for me was about forgiveness. It was kind of funny considering I was talking to my mom the other day about how I have problems letting go of anger. Do we ever really stop and think about what good it does for us to still be angry about that time our sibling lied and we got grounded instead? Its ridiculous that we can’t let go. More often then not when Kat and I get into an argument it has nothing to do with her. Just the other day she did something that set me off, and I felt horrible later, because I was angry over something that had to do with my childhood, but yet she had to sit there and feel the wrath of it. Its simply not what we should do to people. I see it a lot in Best Buy, a customer will come in with a legitimate issue, but the slightest thing will set them off. It becomes very apparent which customer are mad at Best Buy, and which ones were mad before they came in. Makes me wonder who thinks that about me. Problem is, I’m not sure how to let go. In one of Rob Bell’s Nooma videos he said that to forgive someone doesn’t just mean to move on, but to wish them well in their life. I’ll be frank, I’m not a huge fan of that statement–mostly cause I think hes right, and I don’t want to think about having to do that in my own life. Can I really wish those people well, the ones I’m still angry at? I’m honestly not sure where to start, but its something I’m working towards. If you read this, then I’d encourage you to as well. The world has enough anger and hatred in it already, life needs a little more grace here and there.

Tonight was a great night, the union team played two more games, and though they lost both a huge improvement could be seen from the first to the second game. Its only a matter of time now.

It was nice to get out of the house and hang out. Since I’m so used to being on a computer all day sometimes I forget the little things I enjoy about like, like brisk cold air, and being with other people. Sure, I talk to people all day online, but nothing can replace human contact, no matter technology you try to replace it with.

Last night we were all at dinner and Trey was asking various questions which we later learned were suppose to be equated to different parts of our personality. One of those questions was–what is your favorite part of nature? After a little debating I replied with, “the rain.” At the end of this little game I am informed that my answer about nature is how I view God. I was thinking about it later and I think its right on. The rain has always been a facinating thing for me. The feel of rain falling on you seems to have a cleansing aura to it. The sound of it makes me feel peaceful, but beyond that the rain is full of power. Enough rain can wash away cities, and break down rock. So while powerful enough to sweep you away, its still peaceful enough to wash you clean.